♪♫ Going back to the UMMA tonight.  I’m wondering what it’s going to be like.  Not sure how they’re gonna act.  But I’ll be there.  I hope they can understand why I did it.  I have so much music bursting through, and I have no idea how to let it out.  Its been a long time since I’ve written.  I should fix that.  I Thought about her today.   I prayed for her.  Everyday I pray for her.  And I always end with, “And if You can find any way for her to be a part of my life, no matter how small, it would mean the world to me.  Thank you Jesus, Amen.”  Maybe one day she’ll know that I prayed so much for her.♫♪

♪♫ I had another dream about her..  Its been months since I even gotten a text from her..  Haven’t heard her voice in a year or so.. Maybe more.  But she was exactly how I remembered. She was coming down to visit.  What’s funny is that i compromised everything just to spend the littlest bit of time with her.  The girl i was talking to, my friends.. I was at my neighbor’s house when I found out.  Not the lame ones I have now.  Jose, the best neighbor/friend I have ever had.  Haven’t seen him in many many years, but he told me he understood..  I remember spending many nights layin down on his drive way talkin to him about her.  How perfect she was.  In NO way was she perfect.. But she was imperfect in all the right ways :)  I was going to tell her I still loved her.. but woke up before I got the chance.  My heart still feels heavy even now.  Every time I think about her, A time we spent together, I can’t help but think “If I could have just told her THEN, that i was madly in love with her.. If I had asked her to marry me THEN.”  All of this may seem immature to say, but I couldn’t possibly feel this way for her for this many years and not be sure..  I think about visiting her.. If she asked me to move, i wouldn’t hesitate this time..  I thought I was done.. I handled everything so wrong.. She might have messed up early on.. but I DESTROYED it..  She probably lived a shitty life while she was with me.. And I can’t take that back..  She still has the biggest part of my heart.  Every relationship I’ve been in since being with her, has been less than half hearted.. They never stood a chance..  Running from lions never felt like such a mistake.. ♫♪

♪♫ I wake up this morning, did the same thing i did yesterday, worry whether or not I have pneumonia, and start my day.  Considering my lungs fill up every night, I feel pretty good.  I had an awesome weekend.  It just kept going and going.  But with good, we have to welcome the bad.  I haven’t trained with my friends in a week.  That seems so long, but i know that if I push it, my leg will never heal.  I want to be bigger than this.  And all along I want to rely on God for this.  All these things i let get in the way.  It’s funny.  I haven’t heard this song in a long time, years even, and the lyrics still resonate.  ”That’s when my Jesus said ‘NO!  THIS ONE IS MINE!  AND I WILL NOT LET HIM GO!  HEAR THE VOICE OF YOUR SAVIOR AND KNOW!  I WILL CARRY YOU!’ ” You know sometimes I even cry..  I screw up and screw up bad, but my heart still longs.. Thank you Jesus, for loving me anyways..

♪♫ I had a great day today.  Everything worked out.  Its just what i needed.  Accidently clobbered my mother… But hey that’s the price of playing the game :) ♫♪

♪♫ So no matter how many times I reach this point in my life, I always feel like, “Wow, now I actually get how things work around here”.  Which of course isn’t true, but it’s nice to further my understanding.  I’m at a very transitional point in my life and I’m not sure how I can deal with all of this.  I’m sure I CAN, but it’s beyond me how.  School, work, Martial arts, and music.  Its sad to say music is taking the biggest fall because there isnt enough time in the day.  Now a girl wants my attention and I don’t even think I could even begin to start with that.  These moments end up being bigger than I feel, but I’m not so much intimidated as just anxious to get through them.. This songs called, I miss my brother ♫♪